Friday, October 31, 2014
by Tabitha Bigbee

Confessions of a Bridezilla:

I'm really upset right now so I'm just going to vent.

Ok about 3 weeks before the wedding I go to the baker to confirm the cake, and they had NOT listened to me about the concept. And when I told them what they planned was WRONG (and told them EXACTLY what I think about their intelligence level) they tried to tell me that I am wrong.  I'm sorry.  I'm the bride.  I am NEVER wrong.  Anyway,  I told them REPEATEDLY that I wanted a replica of Cinderella's castle for my cake (which is a princess themed wedding..,clearly.) and they OBVIOUSLY had it confused with some other castle because the number of turrets and windows was totally off.  WHAT IS HARD ABOUT THIS PEOPLE??!?!  UGH.  So anyway, I told them that if it's not right at the wedding I am not giving them a dime.

To cool down I made my list of "must take" photos.  I did a quick Google search to see what other people are including on theirs and discovered that other brides had not thought this through.  I didn't see any of my shots on the blogs!  I'm SO unique!!  Here is my list:

1) Me standing by a lake with my veil blowing behind me being encircled by a magical swarm of butterflies

2) My fiance bowing to me as I get out of the carriage that will bring me to the ceremony location.  (we're going a little non-traditional and everyone is going to be able to watch me arrive...they don't want to miss out on how amazing I'm going to look.)

3) A wild stallion standing peacefully beside me as I look off into the sunset.

4) My favorite: my mother looking on as I am being pampered by the 4 stylists coming to prepare me for the biggest day of my life.  She will be misty eyed (but not smudging!) and her expression will be one of unconditional love, excitement for my future, and sadness that her little girl is all grown up.

Side note: my photographer will need to photoshop my left breast to be the same size as my right.

OH MY GOSH. And then there's the dress!  I waited until 3 months before the wedding to go dress shopping so that I had time to lose as much weight as possible.  I just didn't think that shopping before losing weight would be good for my delicate self image.  I mean it's SO HARD to get that last 5 lbs off -  and I REALLY need to be perfect for my wedding dress!

Anyway, so we go to the store and the lady told me: 

1) I wouldn't be able to order some of the dresses because they take too long to get here AND
2) They were going to charge me EXTRA MONEY to make sure it got here on time!!  

SO. RUDE.  Just tell the ladies in Asia to get a move on because I need my gown RIGHT NOW.  The she had the audacity to suggest I buy a gown off the rack.  Right.  Because on on MY WEDDING DAY I want to be wearing a dress that some one else has put their skin germs on.  NO THANK YOU!  Anyway.  It worked out.  In spite of all the rude.

So I find this dress and it's AMAZING!  It ended up being on time, and EXACTLY what I had envisioned myself wearing as I wowed my fiance and audience, I mean guests.  Did I mention that I got a dress with a back cut so low that I can't bend over?!  It's INCREDIBLE.  My Fiance is going to die when he sees me.  I'm squeezing myself into that fitted Ivory lace gown (thank you spray tan) and can't wait to see the video from our First Look when his jaw drops.

But let's be real.  The most stressful part? BRIDESMAIDS.  Yeah.

I specifically wanted the color of the bridesmaids dresses to be the same as the the diary I wrote in when I was 9.  Which is when I first started dreaming about my wedding so it's important!  It's lavender, but iridescent, but not really.  It's been really difficult to find!

I finally found one that was close as I order them for my bridesmaids right there at the store.  I pretty much know their sizes so it's ok - they can have them altered.  I sent out a group text letting them know it was all done and that they owed me $500 - and should lose 15 pounds.  My feelings are still SO HURT that none of them were excited.

UGH and then my MOM (who is supposed to be on MY side.) Says it is unreasonable to ask them to dye their hair blonde so that the photos have continuity.  I mean, I understood when they said no to the matching tattoos of my wedding date on our lower backs, but their hair isn't PERMANENT! They can DYE IT BACK! Geez.  They are SO selfish to make me have these photos for the rest of my life of all these girls with God-knows-what color hair!

OH I LEFT OUT THE BEST PART.  Let's talk about my unbelievably self centered future sister-in-law.  I made a very pointed comment last Christmas that I could be getting married.  And then guess what?  She got PREGNANT.  Yes.  Pregnant.  If she wanted to be a bridesmaid she should have thought about that BEFORE she deciding to "start a family".  I mean, how could she expect to be in my wedding WITH THAT BELLY?!?!? Baby schmaby!  I DON'T CARE ABOUT YOUR EXCUSES FOR BEING FAT.

I really just can't wait for the wedding day.  Every one else is really excited for it, too.  I heard some of the girls saying they can't wait for the end of the reception - because I think they know we're planning a top secret surprise for the end of the night!  Eeeee!!